Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
