I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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