she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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