Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
