i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
