My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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