I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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