you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
