Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
