It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
