is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
