please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
