I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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