I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
