I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
