You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
