dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
