so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
