Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
