Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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