There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
please come you make the beer taste better
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
