I'm lost and stupid without you.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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