I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
