My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
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I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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