The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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