Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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