Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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