Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dignity is for republicans.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
