I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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