They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
