paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
