I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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