tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
