I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
