Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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