his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
