Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
