It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
