this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
