think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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