I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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