i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
