I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
