I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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