If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
