Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
