Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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