Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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