I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
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When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.