I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.