A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
