i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
