I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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