Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
