it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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