u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
