im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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