totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
