I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
